humour

(The orginal title was “Laughter for Tax Season” from an accounting goup post)

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market – - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street. – - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker.  The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker?
A tie !

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar – Jay Leno

8. ! The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures . – Jay Leno

9. President Bush’s response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. – Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

(Thanks to Tracy in Connecticut)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to kill each other, Do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
‘You better pray that this will come out of the carpet’

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
‘Because I said so, that’s why.’

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’

6. My mother taught me about the SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’

7. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?’

8. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’

9. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’

10. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
‘Stop acting like your father.’

12. My mother taught me about ENVY.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’

13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
‘Just wait until we get home.’

14. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.’

15. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’

16. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up …’

17. My mother taught me GENETICS.
‘You’re just like your father.’

18. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’

19. My mother taught me WISDOM.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’

20. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.’

Dear Valued Staff Member

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem.

What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its’ goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observation of of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Many Thanks

Human Resources.

Extended Task Code List Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net.

5001 Read/Writing social E-Mail

5002 Sharing social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #504)

5003 Collecting jokes and other humourous material via E-Mail

5004 Forwarding jokes and other humourous materials via E-Mail

5005 Faxing jokes and other humourous material to friends not on E-Mail

 

5316 Meeting

5317 Obstructing communications at meeting

5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in meeting

5319 Waiting for break

5320 Waiting for lunch

5321 Waiting for end of day

5322 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker

5323 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker while co-worker is not present

5393 Covering for incompetence of co-worker friend

 

5400 Trying to explain concept to co-worker who is stupid

5401 Trying to explain concept to co-worker who is not interested in learning

5402 Trying to explain concept to co-worker who hates me

5481 Buying snack

5482 Eating snack

 

5500 Filling out time sheet

5501 Inventing time sheet entries

5502 Waiting for something to happen

5503 Scratching oneself

5504 Sleeping

5505 Feeling bored

 

5600 Bitching about lousy job (see code #5610)

5601 Bitching about low pay (see code #5610)

5602 Bitching about long hours (see code #5610)

5603 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)

5604 Bitching about co-worker (see codes #5322, #5323)

5605 Bitching about personal problems

5610 Searching for new job

5640 Miscellaneous unproductive bitching

 

5701 Not actually present at job

5702 Suffering from eight hour flu

 

6102 Ordering out

6103 Waiting for food delivery to arrive

6104 Taking it easy while digesting food

 

6200 Using company resources for personal profit

6201 Stealing company good

6202 Making excuses after accidentally destroying company goods

6203 Using company phone to make long distance personal calls

6206 Gossiping

6207 Planning a social event

6210 Feeling sorry for myself

6221 Pretending to work while boss is watching

6222 Pretending to enjoy my job

6223 Pretending I like my co-workers

6224 Pretending I like important people when in reality they’re jerks

6238 Miscellaneous unproductive fantasising

 

6601 Running my own business on company time

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a book on company time

6604 Planning a holiday on company time

6611 Staring into space

6612 Staring at computer screen

6613 Transcendental meditation

 

7281 Extended trip to bathroom (at least 10 Min.)

 

7400 Talking with divorce lawyer on phone

7401 Talking with plumber on phone

7402 Talking with dentist on phone

7403 Talking with doctor on phone

7404 Talking with masseuse on phone

7405 Talking with house painter on phone

7406 Talking with personal therapist on phone

7407 Talking with miscellaneous paid professional on phone

7408 Talking with mistress/toyboy on phone (see code #7400)

7931 asking co-worker to aid in an illicit activity

 

8000 Recreational drug use

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